[The following text is purposely in a huge paragraph and I've removed all punctuation, because understanding what you are reading is problematic, and for non ADHD readers this is as close as I can simulate it.]
What is wrong with me?
First of all I'd like to say what it's like not to know you have ADHD there is a misconception that ADHD is just for kids that adults don't have or can't have it so as an adult it's not something I thought I might have in fact I didn't think that anything was different about me as I believed that I was the same as everyone else but I came to the realisation that either that everyone else was better at overcoming their foibles or I was just lazy and lacked common sense inevitably I just thought I was a bit scatty or stupid in fact I berate myself with you twat david because that's what I feel like I try to make up for my shortcomings by saying things like I meant to do that to see what happens when I click on the wrong thing on the computer or I was just coming to see you but I have been very busy when in fact I totally forgot about my meeting with the boss or I was just going to start that when a colleague asks if I have finished that thing I was working on for them I know this is not a sustainable way to be working and at some point something is going to go awry but yet I plough on regardless in the hope that it will all go away my boss asks if I have time to do something and I say yes knowing full well that I will not get it done by the end of next week and I start planning a sick day for when the work is due why do I say yes to everything why do I start things and struggle to finish them if at all why do I get bored with things very easily why do I get distracted by the slightest thing why did I leave the milk out why am I staring blankly at the computer screen hmm screen sounds like cream ice cream yummy rum and raisin at the seaside oh a holiday but it's usually a long drive who's gonna take you home tonight yes this the wrong lyrics because I can't remember them either I wonder at this point how I got here what was I meant to be doing I didn't leave a trail of crumbs rhymes with bums I laugh out loud to the bemusement of my colleagues where does all the time go half an hour goes by but it feels like a few minutes writing oh the drag of writing writing anything it takes sooo long I've been writing for hours yet have little to show for it I knock over my cup of tea because I forgot to put it out of reach yet I know I'm such a clumsy clot so why didn't I do it yesterday my colleague shows me how to do some task I don't write it down because I mean it was so easy why would I but now I have to do that very thing and I cannot remember how some of it goes and my colleague has gone to meeting - aargh wait a minute where did my pen go it was right here I had it in my hand just seconds ago has anyone taken my pen my colleague looks over to tell me I'm still holding it in my other hand phew I think I was going to write something but I cannot remember what it was now hey ho a few minutes go by in reality is been half an hour the phone rings the caller asks if my colleague is back yet and then it dawns on me that the thing I was supposed to be writing down was a message to my colleague to call their spouse they've been there a while and that was probably 25 minutes ago I make some excuse as to why I didn't get around to passing on the message and hand the phone over I hope they won't be long on the phone because now I'm aware they are back I had something to ask them what was it again damn that thing I was doing for a colleague a while back I've just realised I've done it on the live system and not the test system can I undo it luckily this time I can but I'm not always so lucky the times I've had to talk my way out of a situation that was all my own stupid fault I'm such liability why is no one else like me perhaps they are is this normal are they just better at covering up the things that seem totally out of control I really hate this what doesn't help and this is just people trying to be helpful by empathising is when I talk to someone about my problems and they say oh we all do that with the implication that everything is normal and don't worry about it the problem with that is that yes its true people do do these things but the difference is they don't do it every day multiple times a day they don't get upset about it they don't get marked down in their appraisals they just don't understand so trying to convince others that I have something going on is extremely difficult and tiring when they can dilute it so dismissively I start to believe I'm a hypochondriac.
No comments:
Post a Comment