What's it like not to know you have ADHD?

This is my personal interpretation of what its like to have ADHD. Not everyone is the same, but there will certainly be some common ground here for sure.

[The following text is purposely in a huge paragraph and I've removed all punctuation, because understanding what you are reading is problematic, and for non ADHD readers this is as close as I can simulate it.]

What is wrong with me?

First of all I'd like to say what it's like not to know you have ADHD there is a misconception that ADHD is just for kids that adults don't have or can't have it so as an adult it's not something I thought I might have in fact I didn't think that anything was different about me as I believed that I was the same as everyone else but I came to the realisation that either that everyone else was better at overcoming their foibles or I was just lazy and lacked common sense inevitably I just thought I was a bit scatty or stupid in fact I berate myself with you twat david because that's what I feel like I try to make up for my shortcomings by saying things like I meant to do that to see what happens when I click on the wrong thing on the computer or I was just coming to see you but I have been very busy when in fact I totally forgot about my meeting with the boss or I was just going to start that when a colleague asks if I have finished that thing I was working on for them I know this is not a sustainable way to be working and at some point something is going to go awry but yet I plough on regardless in the hope that it will all go away my boss asks if I have time to do something and I say yes knowing full well that I will not get it done by the end of next week and I start planning a sick day for when the work is due why do I say yes to everything why do I start things and struggle to finish them if at all why do I get bored with things very easily why do I get distracted by the slightest thing why did I leave the milk out why am I staring blankly at the computer screen hmm screen sounds like cream ice cream yummy rum and raisin at the seaside oh a holiday but it's usually a long drive who's gonna take you home tonight yes this the wrong lyrics because I can't remember them either I wonder at this point how I got here what was I meant to be doing I didn't leave a trail of crumbs rhymes with bums I laugh out loud to the bemusement of my colleagues where does all the time go half an hour goes by but it feels like a few minutes writing oh the drag of writing writing anything it takes sooo long I've been writing for hours yet have little to show for it I knock over my cup of tea because I forgot to put it out of reach yet I know I'm such a clumsy clot so why didn't I do it yesterday my colleague shows me how to do some task I don't write it down because I mean it was so easy why would I but now I have to do that very thing and I cannot remember how some of it goes and my colleague has gone to meeting - aargh wait a minute where did my pen go it was right here I had it in my hand just seconds ago has anyone taken my pen my colleague looks over to tell me I'm still holding it in my other hand phew I think I was going to write something but I cannot remember what it was now hey ho a few minutes go by in reality is been half an hour the phone rings the caller asks if my colleague is back yet and then it dawns on me that the thing I was supposed to be writing down was a message to my colleague to call their spouse they've been there a while and that was probably 25 minutes ago I make some excuse as to why I didn't get around to passing on the message and hand the phone over I hope they won't be long on the phone because now I'm aware they are back I had something to ask them what was it again damn that thing I was doing for a colleague a while back I've just realised I've done it on the live system and not the test system can I undo it luckily this time I can but I'm not always so lucky the times I've had to talk my way out of a situation that was all my own stupid fault I'm such liability why is no one else like me perhaps they are is this normal are they just better at covering up the things that seem totally out of control I really hate this what doesn't help and this is just people trying to be helpful by empathising is when I talk to someone about my problems and they say oh we all do that with the implication that everything is normal and don't worry about it the problem with that is that yes its true people do do these things but the difference is they don't do it every day multiple times a day they don't get upset about it they don't get marked down in their appraisals they just don't understand so trying to convince others that I have something going on is extremely difficult and tiring when they can dilute it so dismissively I start to believe I'm a hypochondriac.

No more Metal Fanny Dates

Well on Tuesday had a follow up call with Dr Cubbin, and as I wasn't feeling any benefit she suggested I increase the dose to 3x 18mg.  So this I did.

After about 45 minutes to an hour of being on 3 tablets, I was getting panic attacks, and was taking all my concentration to not to freak out because it was happening while I was doing 70 mph down the motorway on the way to work.  During the day it was still there albeit mildly and my arms were tingling and it seem like my heart was doing weird stuff, but that kinda happens when you have panic attacks anyway.

I emailed the Clinic to tell them about it and very they got back to me quicker than I was expecting and I missed a call from Dr Cubbin, but after some email ping pong I was advised not to take any more Concerta XL and Dr Cubbin would call me early Tuesday Morning.

As far as I can tell, no withdrawal symptoms today, so all is good.  I wonder what we'll get to try next?

Decaffeinated Dave

Since upping the dose I started getting the heebeejeebees as I like to call it. Basically I was feeling the effect of multiple stimulants, the Concerta XL and caffeine from tea and Pepsi Max. So I've gone cold turkey, and removed caffeine from the menu.  Headaches and tiredness are now my new daemons, but at least I am not feeling the effects of my over stimulation.

Anyway, still not feeling the benefits of the medication, but it's not even been a week on double bubble.

Its not NZT.

So today I got to double my dose of Methylphenidate Hydrochloride, and apart from feeling a bit odd in the morning (which could have been down to the fact I was called out by work at 2:45am for a couple of hours and was lacking sleep), I didn't notice any positive effects.

Maybe its my expectations.  I was kind of hoping for some miraculous change akin to what happens in Film/Series Limitless (the film and series are really good by the way, its a kind of semi sci-fi/crime drama) where the main character takes this drug called NZT which gives him the ability to use all of his brain. OK so not quite that extreme, but I was hoping to notice something.

Meanwhile, Tracy (that's the wifey), thanks me for taking the rubbish out earlier.  I have no idea what she's on about, but hey, brownie points are good no matter how you get them :)

Date with a Female Robot

So firstly, welcome to my new blog about me and everyday things that happen as a result of having ADHD.

Today is day 4 of starting medication for ADHD. I know you're wondering what it is.  It's called Concerta XL 18mg. So far I haven't noticed any effects relating to ADHD but I have noticed signs of what might you might get if you'd consumed a lot of caffeine, and this is unsurprising as the medication is a stimulant. Tomorrow I get to double the dose (36mg)  as directed by my Psychiatrist, Dr. Sally Cubbin, and that may show some results.  She did say that the initial dose would probably not be effective but it would show up any side effects.

As with most medications, it has a brand name and a generic name. Over time the brand name falls out of use, e.g. Prozac is now know by its generic name Fluoxetine. So I like to know what the generic name is for any medication that I take.  In this case Concerta XL is known generically as Methylphenidate Hydrochloride.  A bit of a mouthful and not easily remembered, especially with ADHD.  However, ADHD does give you a great ability to make connections and associations, so I decided to see where I could go with this.

If I split Methylphenidate up into parts, I can get Methyl-Pheni-Date.  Now immediately I can connect Methyl with Metal, Pheni with Fanny and Date can stay as it is.  Now I have Metal-Fanny-Date.  Hmm interesting, a date with something with a Metal Fanny (for non UK readers, Fanny is a slang word for the female genitalia)? A female robot, of course.

Now ADHD also gives rise to being inappropriate, so Fanny fits in really well.  A date with a female robot; a Metal Fanny Date. Excellent.  So there we have it, and it's remembered (for now at least).  The Hydrochloride part is for me easy to remember as it reminds me of chemistry at school.

I'll let you know how I get on tomorrow on the double dosage.